No matter how hard you try sometimes it seems impossible to stop that restless chatterbox called a mind - doesn?t it? Especially at a time like this, with Christmas right around the corner when there are presents to buy, places to go and people to see. The mental lists are endless and there is never enough time in the week.
When things don’t turn out as you planned, judgmental clatter passes through your head like cars on the freeway. It’s conveniently there to tell you how stupid and worthless you are. Coming at you nonstop, without mercy, it poisons every thought crossing your mind with self-condemnation, feelings of inadequacy and failure. It convinces you that you can’t do anything right and never will. Everybody knows the drill.
Armed for defeat, it gathers reinforcements to thwart any effort you make to override the disgrace and shame you’re feeling. Skillfully, it blocks you at every turn. By constantly reminding you of all the mistakes you’ve ever made it humiliates you into submission. Delighting in proving you incapable it backs up each memory with specific examples of how inept you are at handling situations. This is how depression sets in.
Ever tried to stop it? You can’t. How many times have you wished there were a switch to turn it off? Its ranting is tiresome and painful. Though it’s not an independent entity, it sure feels like it is when it starts beating you up. It totally takes over. Locating an exorcist doesn’t seem too far off at times. When this is happening, finding ways to like yourself and believe in who you are is useless. You’re wondering how this horrible demon of self-doubt ever grew to such proportions.
Then you watch that chatterbox ridicule and sabotage everything you do and realize what happened, how it grew so large. You fight hard but it’s fruitless. The odds against you are staggering because it won’t shut up. Every battle ends up being another lesson in futility. Helpless barely scratches the surface in describing how this feels. The ceaseless racket never fails to destroy concentration or a good nights sleep. Before long, you’re driven to think about drugs to get some relief. It’s wicked.
Have you ever asked yourself how this thing gained the strength to take over? How an obnoxious voice in your head has come to overpower and control you? How such an intolerable amount of self-loathing, self-neglect and self-pity decided to part itself in your brain? Overlooking the fact that you have wholeheartedly accepted this as your reality without question, don’t you wonder how this happened to you?
It’s not by accident. You picked up self-doubt along the way because it wasn’t part of the package when you were born. When you first came into this world you had no problems. You were innocent and pure. Your emotional being was like freshly poured cement. The surface of your soul had no imprints on it. You were free of condemnation. You had no fear and openly took in each new experience as it occurred.
Within a short period of time, things changed. You noticed that different actions created different responses so you stared paying closer attention. You tried hard to figure out what this was all about. Some reactions felt warm and loving. While others made you feel uncomfortable. Figuring how to cope and survive was the utmost of importance.
You had a motive to be loved, valued and supported silently running you and it became important to figure out what it took to get along. As the days went by impressions about how to behave were stamped in your memory. Whether you agreed or not, what appeared successful was categorized and logged in.
Day after day these experiences were repeated, shaping patterns in your life. Patterns that were unnatural to an innocent child who didn’t know any better. Patterns that taught another’s beliefs were more important than your own. Clearly, things did work better when you put them first. You caught on quickly. You learned to put up with things and to stuff how you felt in order to get along. Instead of feeling free to act the way you wanted, you gradually came to believe that coping and self-denial were one and the same. Like learning a foreign language, you mastered what was taught at home.
Over the years your self-denial has formed deep ruts and potholes, making life’s highway a very rocky road to travel. You’ve never stopped to do the work necessary to make sorely needed repairs. The bumps haven’t been smoothed out, at least not enough to make a steady drive on life’s highway. That’s why you fall apart inside when things go wrong and beat yourself up. That’s why you can’t stop eating away at how horrible you are. This really shows up during the holidays with all the family and friends you’ll be around.
You live in the past and don’t realize it whenever you feel down. You’re not aware that it’s time to learn a new emotional language, an emotional language other than what you picked up at home. You’re still practicing what’s familiar. Haven’t you ever noticed the similarity between the people you meet and your family members? You?re all grown up. Times have changed. Yet, you continue to live at home, emotionally anyway. You’re in adult body but constantly attracted to situations that make you feel like you did growing up. Really pay attention to family dynamics this Christmas, Hanukkah or Kwanza.
You’re living though imprints stamped inside when you were young. The Bible refers to it as seeing through a glass darkly. There’s still a lot of suffering taking place, isn’t there? The way you react hasn’t changed. You’ve just gotten older. Like then, you still believe pacifying people fixes problems. If that had worked when you tried it before, you wouldn’t be feeling this upset or crazy.
That nonstop chatterbox beating you up can’t help itself. Repressed emotions are demanding your attention. You’ve stretched the limit of avoidance. It’s filled to capacity holding all of the garbage you haven’t dealt with over the years, like an emotional holding tank. It wants to be emptied. The attack happens because nothing more can be stored. The unbearable pressure can only be released by taking action.
What type of action is necessary? Learn to emotionally speak a new language. Expand who you are. What was taught at home doesn’t have to be the only emotional language you speak. You are still teachable; you can still learn. It’s time to grow up and move on - the only way to end the insanity. You can stop the agony by risking new experiences, taking changes, speaking up and saying what you feel. Let go. Do the opposite of what you’ve always done. If you want to speak Italian you’re going to have to do a lot of practicing to master it. The same holds true in life.
Here are some guaranteed ways to stop beating yourself up if you’ll just try them. First, start living in the NOW. Cling to right NOW and nothing else. That means not traveling one second into the future or one second into the past. Act as if you are hanging on the edge of a cliff. Clinging to NOW will save your life. It’s the only way to shut up that clap-trap of a mind. Keep yourself there by saying things like: NOW I am driving my car, NOW I am brushing my teeth, NOW I am working at my computer, NOW I am putting my head on the pillow, NOW I am watching t.v., NOW I am talking on the phone, NOW I am crying, NOW I am laughing. Force yourself to STAY NOW. Don’t quit. Don’t give in to anything but what is in front of you to do.
Why does this work? Staying NOW slows down thinking so the mind can’t bombard you with ghastly thoughts. It cuts off communication about the past and stops projection into the future. NOW contains no other thought except the thought of NOW. If you are staying right NOW you cannot have problems. That’s the relief! Milling over problems builds them. Not thinking kills them.
In the moment, this moment, there is nothing that can harm you. Staying NOW is where peace is. If you are tired of agony, do it. Remember the saying, The fields are already white with harvest, but men do not see it. That’s because man is too busy thinking, running, ignoring and avoiding.
After the initial mind-storm had subsided, when you’re feeling a little more settled and relaxed start looking into your thoughts and where they came from. Feel the feelings surrounding them. See if you can find what triggered the mind’s attack. It’s always in there somewhere. One thought at a time, gently, slowly begin by watching them go by. You weren’t paying attention when you needed to, so listen to what they’re telling you. Take the time to acknowledge them. They are invisible and cannot harm you. Then write as many as you can down on paper.
After you’ve done that, look over what you have written. What are you being shown? Is this a pattern from the past? Where is the backlash coming from? What’s pushing you to believe you are worth so little? Face those threatening thoughts. The answer is hidden there somewhere.
Lastly, use your mind to erase fear. Turn it back on itself. Take whatever threatening situation the mind is throwing at you to the worst case scenario. Make it real. Play it up to the hilt. Make the outcome as grim, frightening and awful as you can. You may cry, feel angry, hateful or sick. Keep repeating the scene over and over again until it’s boring to you. Like a movie you’ve seen many times, this defuses the power of your emotions because you are willing to accept and feel them. This is guaranteed to work.
You must face the fact that you feel you were abandoned when you needed to be wanted the most and until this is cleaned up your life is one big reaction. Feel it, accept it, grieve it and decide to heal your wounds.
If you want to experience true peace these techniques will help you weather the storm. Begin somewhere. Take whatever small steps you can to remember how wonderful you are - let this Christmas be the birth of your own new child. The only way that monkey-mind beats you up is if you let it. All your problems can be solved - don’t ever forget that. You aren’t helpless. Don’t act that way!
Armed with only her heart and an idea Pat Zerman founded the Atlanta Center for Attitudinal Awareness. The Center has been providing dynamic personal and spiritual growth opportunities for 15 years. As director, Pat counsels, conducts classes, and publishes a monthly newsletter. She has produced audio and videotapes and made guest appearances on TV and radio shows. Her dedication, caring, and years of experience continue to positively change lives for those who participate in her classes or read her book, Twelve Guaranteed Ways To Stay Miserable.
She received her Masters Degree in Counseling Psychology as well as availing herself of countless books written in the self-help field and a broad spectrum of spirituality based books. Her own difficult life expriences of having an alcoholic mother, the murder of her sister, and her stepbrother’s death from AIDS, pushed her to delve deeply into these writings.
Clients learn to risk loving and respecting themselves by taking action, getting honest about the feelings that run them and are able to work through and dump emotional baggage.
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